One of the things I am working on letting go of this year is trying to figure out what is wrong when someone reacts to me in an odd way.

I don’t mean that I am abdicating responsibility for my own words or actions.  So when someone reacts to me oddly, by being upset or cold or in some way unpleasant, then I still want to be quick to respond to them, by asking them to clarify what they are feeling, wanting, or needing, to help me to understand in what way I may have hurt them, and to make amends if I need to.  That part is my responsibility.

However, and here is the key thing for me: if and when they don’t respond to my polite request for clarity, then I am letting go of worrying about what is going on for them.

A friend once gave me this saying that helped him:  “What other people think of me is none of my business.”   Although I don’t always agree with that, the point is that what other people think of us is largely about them, and how they think, and the filters through which they view the world.

Giving someone an opportunity to respond, in a disagreement or in a misunderstanding, is how we listen.  I want to do that.  I want to hear what people think or how they feel, and why.  And then…

If I have done that, asked for clarity, waited, restated my question, and been polite and present, AND they have not responded—then it is no longer my problem to figure out what is bothering them!

I think that expressing curiosity is important.  Requesting clarity acknowledges that I don’t understand their perspective, and I need more information.  That is a peace offer.  The waiting period allows for peace to take place, for clarity, for an adjustment in case I have said or done something that hurt or offended.  Once they have responded I can assess whether or not I agree, yet I can still allow the other person to have their feelings and thoughts.  But if they refuse to respond at all, then I can let go.  I sometimes feel sad about this.  I may feel disappointed or annoyed, either in the communication process or in my inability to understand their perspective, but I can set them and myself free.

To me this is part of what forgiveness means:  setting another person free from an obligation.  Consciously, and with as much grace as I can muster, because I know that I don’t understand everything.  I can’t possible know exactly what makes another person tick.  When this happens with a friend, I can gently release her, like a small fish, back into the swirling waters of her own private ocean.